Okay. [ Will nods before he speaks, and he speaks before he moves, visibly convincing himself to snap out of his own visions of whatever this kid's gone through so they can go for that promised walk.
He leads the way, out of simple desire to communicate it's okay, just start walking. When he gets off the porch and his boots hit actual road, though, he looks both ways and then back at Will. ] Which way?
[Will crosses his arms over his chest, bouncing on his heels for a moment as he looks one way up, then down the street. Finally he points towards the woods.]
That way. [He sets off, having to take a couple steps for each of the older Will's long strides. They're quiet for a while, just the footsteps, the wind in the trees, the soft exhale of visible breath in the cold. After a few minutes, he ventures:] Why were you awake?
[ Quiet is something Will's always had a strained relationship with. On the one hand, it feels safe, or he desperately wants it to feel that way. It ought to feel safe, considering how unsafe being around too many people can feel.
But in reality, it's often just a space to let his own dark thoughts echo endlessly. This, right now, isn't a comfortable silence...but it's not a completely lonely one, either. It's somewhere in between discomfort and relief.
He supposes he should have expected that question, but it still takes him by surprise in the moment. Will glances over and then tucks his free hand into his jacket pocket. ] I'm usually awake. I've never been very good at sleeping.
[ Will doesn't want to pry, but he also is driven by a perpetual instinct to understand. He looks over again. ] Were you good at sleeping, before?
Aren't you tired? [pot, meet kettle. still, will has an expression that's genuinely, gently concerned about the man's sleep health. he's seen what long, repeated sleep deprivation can do to someone, after all -- his mom is an excellent example.
the question makes him shrug, vaguely.] Not really. I don't sleep very deeply, so if it was loud I'd wake up. [it's a very simple, almost innocent way of saying he hasn't exactly grown up in a peaceful home.]
Always. [ Said with a half-there laugh, like the very concept of not being tired is hilarious (but like he's still too tired for a full laugh about it). It's pulled up short when Will glances over and sees not childish lack of understanding, but— sympathy. Receiving that expression from a teenager feels oddly wrong even while it soothes something perpetually-wounded.
When the other keeps going, Will swallows and makes a concerted effort to offer just a little bit more direct looking at him than he's usually comfortable with. ]
...I'm sorry. [ It comes from genuine compassion. He looks unsettled by it, but he's also unconsciously slowing his gait, making it so the other doesn't have to work so hard to keep up. ] I've talked to— a few other people who were unhappy back home. It sounds like Deerington is better, for some of us.
[will's footsteps stumble a little at that, because that's...the first time anyone else has voiced aloud that deerington is better in some ways. usually it's all i hate this place and i need to get home.
hearing it aloud makes something in his tense shoulders loosen a little, and he lets out a soft, relieved sigh.] Yeah. Y-Yeah, that exactly, that...it's better. It's better in a lot of ways.
[ Will's expecting it to be a controversial opinion based on that fact as well — the vast majority of people trapped here are eager to leave. Hell, Will's own conversations her revolved around that when he first arrived. Now, though...
His surprise that the other agrees with him shows on his face, a soft consideration of why that might be.
Maybe it's why he shares his own reason, impulsive and quick even as it comes without eye contact: ] I'm not as— lonely here.
It's probably just bonding through shared trauma, [ he laughs, mostly a sudden change in expression more than a sound, ] but it's...working better than anything did back in my home world.
[will laughs a little too, an equally humorless sound, but he walks a little bit closer to the man, hands in his pockets.] Me neither.
I mean...I wasn't always lonely at home, I had my friends and all, and they're great, but... [he trails off, looks out at the trees.] It's different here.
[ Huh. That's actually not what— Will expected. Will's happier here because he was lonely back home. He's found something, here. Several somethings. The boy he's staring at right now is one of them, in fact.
So what was missing for this one? Or— what's missing now? ]
The— whatever was hurting you back home, you mean. The creature. It didn't follow you. [ That guess feels like it might be part of it, but...
Will can't help sense he's continuing to miss something, and it's unsettling to have a piece missing from his intuition. ]
...yeah. That part's good too. [an understatement, but one that will shivers at the mention of, feeling the empty space where the monster was like a hole in his chest.]
But it's...it's also...it's okay to be different, here. To be...not-normal. A freak.
[ The longer the other talks about this, the more certain Will becomes that there's an undercurrent here that he hasn't quite been caught by. He's slow to nod, does so just once.
But he also steps closer as they continue, taking the other's lead with that. ] In...some ways. [ He allows, because it doesn't feel like they're walking completely separate paths about this. Just that one's got different twists and turns than the other. ]
I think it sounds like we might be feeling relieved about different things that don't make us freaks here. [ It's said carefully, Will feeling out the boundaries of what this question might even look like before he asks it. ]
Well, they're probably different for each of us, so-- [ So the obvious thing to do might be...the somewhat childish option. It seems fitting. ] So I can...list something and then you can, if you want.
[ This is probably silly. Will's internally trying not to over-analyze the offer, but the truth of the matter is that it's probably latent paternal feelings kicking up again. ]
[perhaps it's a childish suggestion, but will is still a child. the simplicity of "i'll tell you if you tell me" appeals to the knotted-with-anxiety lump in his chest, and prompts his tense shoulders to loosen in relaxation.
so he nods, a relieved expression replacing the wary one.] Okay. Okay, that sounds good.
[ Will's nodding too. His own sense of anxiety, kicked up in response to the tension he can feel but can't quite explain, settles down to a low simmer. ]
I— see too much. Of other people. Back home, I either— freaked them out, or freaked myself out. Knowing things people don't want you to know doesn't really make them like you. And it's...distracting. [ It's more than just distracting. Will's breath fogs the air in front of himself while he hesitates. Kids see a lot of shit that adults don't give them credit for — this one doubly so, it seems. But Will's still trying to figure out what's too much and what's enough to share. ]
...It was scary. [ Is what he settles on, and he's stunned by how such a simple sentence makes him feel better to say. ] And it's still like that here, but people don't seem to...be as bothered.
...people get scared when they can't keep secrets. [will says it very softly, shoulders bowing in, head lowered.] And when people are scared...they're mean.
I didn't want to scare people. Or, I mean...I think they were scared of how different I was. Am. [he pauses, looks up at the man with silently beseeching eyes.] You know?
[ Once again, Will's impressed by how thoughtfully perceptive the other is. He's reminded — not wholly, but in small ways like this — of himself at his age. Will nods along to the observations until he's given a question. He nods. ] Yeah. I know. People are scared of what they can't understand. [ And sometimes what they can understand, but that's always seemed like more of a Will-problem. ]
Did you want to keep your secret? Because I can't— guess what it is, actually.
Or did you want to tell me? [ Will's tone is neutral; he doesn't want to sound like he's threatening or pleading, but if this is helpful— ]
[will looks a little bit surprised by the neutral way the man is approaching the question. most adults would've given up by this point and just flat-out demanded a straight answer. he's not used to people who take the time to let him talk in circles.
maybe it's sleep deprivation, or the wind in the trees or -- something else entirely. but will tucks his hands in his pockets and looks straight ahead, and he's about to talk about the monsters and the upside-down and the mind flayer but what comes out instead is:]
My dad used to call me stuff. When he lived with us. Really bad things, and I didn't think they were true for a really long time, and I told everyone they weren't true, but...but they might be true. And I don't know what to do.
[ Oh. Will doesn't need to check the other's expression to paint a vivid picture of what that kind of home must have looked like. Nervous and flighty but-- painfully trusting, it's difficult not to think of how resilient children are. And how they don't often make for balanced teenagers.
But there's a small mystery here. Will hears 'my dad used to call me stuff' and he can think of dozens of words - stupid, bad, ugly, maybe even tainted - but not all of those translate to something that he'd think are...true. Unless it's about the ambiguous literal monster in the other's past? Will mulls it over, unwittingly drawn into the situation deeper just to try to find the answer he's initially missing. ]
You mean, you think-- something might be wrong with you? [ He's not quite getting it, his tone confused in a cautious way - Will's not happy to have this conversation, but it is important, and he won't stop asking until he's given plenty of signs that the other's done with the topic. ]
[will's shoulders are drawn up close to his ears, like he's even now trying to disappear in on himself. his expression stays blank -- detaching, disassociating from what he's saying. it's less painful that way, like he's talking about someone else.
even his voice is neutral, as it says:] Yeah. He'd say stop -- stop acting like such a little queer, stop being such a fag about it, why don't you grow up... [he trails off, looking up at the man for a moment, that haunted, hollow look back in his eyes.]
[ Hearing the echo aches, and Will wasn't expecting it until it happens, until the words are coming out of a teenager's mouth.
He actually has nothing that's quite-- touching that, in his personal history. Will's got all sorts of fears about being outed as not normal, as something abhorrent, but those are for real-world reasons: murderers go to jail, being insane is dangerous to people and gets you locked away. But Will doesn't fear being ostracized for things that aren't dangerous (or illegal).
This is entirely the other's burden. And Will feels a rush of anger that isn't helpful to either of them right now, even as it turns down the corners of his mouth and tenses his shoulders. ] I see.
[ And he sees what else is being said here. If the other's worried that his dad was right, then... Will takes a deep breath. Makes sure he doesn't stray further from Will's side, makes sure he doesn't shy away at all. ] So you already noticed that most people here don't-- mind, uh. People being gay. [ This is so far from anything Will's ever had to concern himself about. He's not entirely sure how to have this conversation, all he knows is it's important that he doesn't leave this alone to keep festering. Not if the other's talking to him about it. ]
cw: homophobia/child abuse for like the whole thread tbh
[will is still watching sideways, waiting for the man to -- recoil, move away, make some excuse to leave. most people do. even if they say it's okay, they still do, once they know. they don't know how to handle it, how to handle him.
but the man doesn't. his shoulders go tense, and will's tense in response, but the voice is calm. the voice is still so calm.
the comment gets a shrug, and will looks down at his feet, kicks a rock down the street in front of them.] I know it's different, where most people are from. [it's an unspoken, but clear delineation: it's okay for them, but not for him.]
[ Will's not really good at-- any of this. Comforting. Talking to people younger than himself. Talking about prejudices and sexuality in any meaningful, nuanced way.
But maybe that's not really what's needed here, anyway. This isn't happening in a lecture hall. Will takes a deep breath and lets it out through his nose. And then, carefully, hyper-aware of any signs that might be given that Will ought to not try this, he reaches out his closer hand to rest it on the other's shoulder.
Which is awkward while walking, admittedly, but Will wants to make sure the other doesn't feel-- tainted. Contagious, impure, anything that might make him an untouchable other. ] It's okay to be that way where you're from, too.
Adults are wrong all the time. [ A loose translation: fuck your dad, he sounds like a dick. ]
[the touch to his shoulder makes will flinch a little, but it's mostly out of surprise -- he'd expected a lot of things, but definitely not a comforting, reassuring touch. in fact, he would've sooner anticipated the man leaving as soon as he could, making some excuse to get far away.
instead there's a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently, warm and solid and -- real. will blinks a couple times, looking over and making eye contact for the first time.]
It's...it isn't just adults, it...everyone says...I mean...
How do you know it's okay? [his voice breaks a little on the last word, faint and small.]
Because there's no reason it shouldn't be. It's just a— preference, and the Bible verse people usually quote doesn't even— [ Will sighs. Semantics is probably not what's needed, even if he's capable of playing that game with several topics. Besides...Will hadn't really cared aside from a largely-academic sense of being correct in not caring, until recently.
Until recently.
This kid's worried his dad was right about this being something that was wrong with him. Will's silent for a little longer, stewing over his own tangled emotions. Finally he settles on a blurted, ] I'm, um. With someone. Romantically. [ Will physically can't bring himself to say the word 'bisexual' out loud. It's too surreal, was never a part of himself, but he wants to give the implicit solidarity that the story attached to it might offer. ]
A guy. Here in Deerington. It's not-- It doesn't say anything about me. Just like it wouldn't say anything about you.
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wontgraham) wrote2019-04-10 08:46 pm
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He leads the way, out of simple desire to communicate it's okay, just start walking. When he gets off the porch and his boots hit actual road, though, he looks both ways and then back at Will. ] Which way?
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That way. [He sets off, having to take a couple steps for each of the older Will's long strides. They're quiet for a while, just the footsteps, the wind in the trees, the soft exhale of visible breath in the cold. After a few minutes, he ventures:] Why were you awake?
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But in reality, it's often just a space to let his own dark thoughts echo endlessly. This, right now, isn't a comfortable silence...but it's not a completely lonely one, either. It's somewhere in between discomfort and relief.
He supposes he should have expected that question, but it still takes him by surprise in the moment. Will glances over and then tucks his free hand into his jacket pocket. ] I'm usually awake. I've never been very good at sleeping.
[ Will doesn't want to pry, but he also is driven by a perpetual instinct to understand. He looks over again. ] Were you good at sleeping, before?
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the question makes him shrug, vaguely.] Not really. I don't sleep very deeply, so if it was loud I'd wake up. [it's a very simple, almost innocent way of saying he hasn't exactly grown up in a peaceful home.]
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When the other keeps going, Will swallows and makes a concerted effort to offer just a little bit more direct looking at him than he's usually comfortable with. ]
...I'm sorry. [ It comes from genuine compassion. He looks unsettled by it, but he's also unconsciously slowing his gait, making it so the other doesn't have to work so hard to keep up. ] I've talked to— a few other people who were unhappy back home. It sounds like Deerington is better, for some of us.
Aside from the monthly monsters.
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hearing it aloud makes something in his tense shoulders loosen a little, and he lets out a soft, relieved sigh.] Yeah. Y-Yeah, that exactly, that...it's better. It's better in a lot of ways.
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His surprise that the other agrees with him shows on his face, a soft consideration of why that might be.
Maybe it's why he shares his own reason, impulsive and quick even as it comes without eye contact: ] I'm not as— lonely here.
It's probably just bonding through shared trauma, [ he laughs, mostly a sudden change in expression more than a sound, ] but it's...working better than anything did back in my home world.
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I mean...I wasn't always lonely at home, I had my friends and all, and they're great, but... [he trails off, looks out at the trees.] It's different here.
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So what was missing for this one? Or— what's missing now? ]
The— whatever was hurting you back home, you mean. The creature. It didn't follow you. [ That guess feels like it might be part of it, but...
Will can't help sense he's continuing to miss something, and it's unsettling to have a piece missing from his intuition. ]
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But it's...it's also...it's okay to be different, here. To be...not-normal. A freak.
...y'know?
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But he also steps closer as they continue, taking the other's lead with that. ] In...some ways. [ He allows, because it doesn't feel like they're walking completely separate paths about this. Just that one's got different twists and turns than the other. ]
I think it sounds like we might be feeling relieved about different things that don't make us freaks here. [ It's said carefully, Will feeling out the boundaries of what this question might even look like before he asks it. ]
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What things? [it's a loaded question, because will has a loooong list of all the reasons he's a freak.]
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[ This is probably silly. Will's internally trying not to over-analyze the offer, but the truth of the matter is that it's probably latent paternal feelings kicking up again. ]
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so he nods, a relieved expression replacing the wary one.] Okay. Okay, that sounds good.
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I— see too much. Of other people. Back home, I either— freaked them out, or freaked myself out. Knowing things people don't want you to know doesn't really make them like you. And it's...distracting. [ It's more than just distracting. Will's breath fogs the air in front of himself while he hesitates. Kids see a lot of shit that adults don't give them credit for — this one doubly so, it seems. But Will's still trying to figure out what's too much and what's enough to share. ]
...It was scary. [ Is what he settles on, and he's stunned by how such a simple sentence makes him feel better to say. ] And it's still like that here, but people don't seem to...be as bothered.
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I didn't want to scare people. Or, I mean...I think they were scared of how different I was. Am. [he pauses, looks up at the man with silently beseeching eyes.] You know?
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Did you want to keep your secret? Because I can't— guess what it is, actually.
Or did you want to tell me? [ Will's tone is neutral; he doesn't want to sound like he's threatening or pleading, but if this is helpful— ]
cw: homophobia/child abuse
maybe it's sleep deprivation, or the wind in the trees or -- something else entirely. but will tucks his hands in his pockets and looks straight ahead, and he's about to talk about the monsters and the upside-down and the mind flayer but what comes out instead is:]
My dad used to call me stuff. When he lived with us. Really bad things, and I didn't think they were true for a really long time, and I told everyone they weren't true, but...but they might be true. And I don't know what to do.
cw: homophobia/child abuse
But there's a small mystery here. Will hears 'my dad used to call me stuff' and he can think of dozens of words - stupid, bad, ugly, maybe even tainted - but not all of those translate to something that he'd think are...true. Unless it's about the ambiguous literal monster in the other's past? Will mulls it over, unwittingly drawn into the situation deeper just to try to find the answer he's initially missing. ]
You mean, you think-- something might be wrong with you? [ He's not quite getting it, his tone confused in a cautious way - Will's not happy to have this conversation, but it is important, and he won't stop asking until he's given plenty of signs that the other's done with the topic. ]
cw: homophobia/child abuse/homophobic slurs
even his voice is neutral, as it says:] Yeah. He'd say stop -- stop acting like such a little queer, stop being such a fag about it, why don't you grow up... [he trails off, looking up at the man for a moment, that haunted, hollow look back in his eyes.]
Like that. See?
cw: homophobia/child abuse/homophobic slurs, insanity/institutionalization mention
He actually has nothing that's quite-- touching that, in his personal history. Will's got all sorts of fears about being outed as not normal, as something abhorrent, but those are for real-world reasons: murderers go to jail, being insane is dangerous to people and gets you locked away. But Will doesn't fear being ostracized for things that aren't dangerous (or illegal).
This is entirely the other's burden. And Will feels a rush of anger that isn't helpful to either of them right now, even as it turns down the corners of his mouth and tenses his shoulders. ] I see.
[ And he sees what else is being said here. If the other's worried that his dad was right, then... Will takes a deep breath. Makes sure he doesn't stray further from Will's side, makes sure he doesn't shy away at all. ] So you already noticed that most people here don't-- mind, uh. People being gay. [ This is so far from anything Will's ever had to concern himself about. He's not entirely sure how to have this conversation, all he knows is it's important that he doesn't leave this alone to keep festering. Not if the other's talking to him about it. ]
cw: homophobia/child abuse for like the whole thread tbh
but the man doesn't. his shoulders go tense, and will's tense in response, but the voice is calm. the voice is still so calm.
the comment gets a shrug, and will looks down at his feet, kicks a rock down the street in front of them.] I know it's different, where most people are from. [it's an unspoken, but clear delineation: it's okay for them, but not for him.]
cw: homophobia/child abuse
But maybe that's not really what's needed here, anyway. This isn't happening in a lecture hall. Will takes a deep breath and lets it out through his nose. And then, carefully, hyper-aware of any signs that might be given that Will ought to not try this, he reaches out his closer hand to rest it on the other's shoulder.
Which is awkward while walking, admittedly, but Will wants to make sure the other doesn't feel-- tainted. Contagious, impure, anything that might make him an untouchable other. ] It's okay to be that way where you're from, too.
Adults are wrong all the time. [ A loose translation: fuck your dad, he sounds like a dick. ]
cw: homophobia/child abuse
instead there's a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently, warm and solid and -- real. will blinks a couple times, looking over and making eye contact for the first time.]
It's...it isn't just adults, it...everyone says...I mean...
How do you know it's okay? [his voice breaks a little on the last word, faint and small.]
cw: homophobia/child abuse
Until recently.
This kid's worried his dad was right about this being something that was wrong with him. Will's silent for a little longer, stewing over his own tangled emotions. Finally he settles on a blurted, ] I'm, um. With someone. Romantically. [ Will physically can't bring himself to say the word 'bisexual' out loud. It's too surreal, was never a part of himself, but he wants to give the implicit solidarity that the story attached to it might offer. ]
A guy. Here in Deerington. It's not-- It doesn't say anything about me. Just like it wouldn't say anything about you.
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