[will nods, shifting from one foot to the other, then seems to remember something.]
Be right back. [he scurries back inside, tiny and quiet and careful, and reappears minutes later with his backpack. he rummages around in it, amid the loose colored pencils and crayons and paper, and pulls out a large-ish sketchbook.]
Um. I made you something. As -- to say thanks for. Listening to me. [the sketchbook has some loose pages tucked inside it, and will pulls a couple of them free, holding them out hesitantly. on them, he'd done his best to draw the older will's dogs -- all seven of them -- based on the descriptions he'd gotten. the drawings are...actually surprisingly well-done for a thirteen-year-old kid. clearly he agonized over them, erasing and redrawing the lines until they fit his exacting self-standards.]
[ Will's mild surprise is still on his face by the time the teen's turned and headed back into his house. Extra layers isn't his first guess, seeing as none of his body language had suggested he was too cold...
...but even with his lack of current suspicions, not much could have prepared Will for what the return trip was actually for. He blinks, stunned, and reaches out a cautious hand for the paper. He's staring at Will while he does it, until he's the only one holding the sheet and finally looks down at it in full. ]
These are— really nice. [ His tone says he's genuine about this praise. He's bad at guessing exact ages, but Will can't be more than what, a very short fourteen year old? Thirteen? ] I'd, uh. Yeah. [ He's nodding before he's organized his thoughts, touched and unsure the best way to express that.
He holds the papers like they're important, close to his chest and already uncertain of the best way not to wrinkle them. ] If you're— okay with giving them away, I'd. I'll keep them.
[ A beat. ] I guess now I do have pictures of them. [ Since he'd described them so much entirely because of the lack of photos to share. ]
[will shrugs, an awkward raise and lower of one shoulder, a quintessentially teenage boy gesture. it's his go-to, shrugging, deflecting uncomfortable questions or tense situations.
this is neither, but he's mildly embarrassed still, ears turning pink.] I'm okay, yeah. I made them for you. I've got lots of others. I-I mean, drawings. I draw a lot.
—I can tell. [ The response comes after a pause, embarrassed in turn by the reminder I made them for you. ] That you draw a lot, I mean. These are— [ A considering pause, and then with a little less self-consciousness and a little more ease, ] ...better than I can draw, actually.
[ He's rolling them, very carefully, not used to having valuable pieces of paper to keep track of. This way they won't wrinkle, like posters stored in a record shop. ] Does it help? [ He doesn't elaborate for a second, until he catches back up with himself and winces. ] With the— nightmares. Drawing about it, or drawing distractions.
W-Well, there's...not a lot else to do here. I don't go to school, and I only work in the afternoons. So. [he says it simply, matter-of-fact, like it's something everyone could do.]
...sometimes. [will looks away, hugging the sketchbook to his chest, feeling the pictures inside with images of his nightmares burning like a brand.] Sometimes it helps to get them out of my head.
[ Will just-- watches him while he offers up an explanation, trying to decide if he wants a conversation about it or is dodging the possibility of one. It feels like the latter - the soft heat of embarrassment touches the tips of Will's ears and he doesn't think it's his. He frowns but doesn't feel so unbalanced that he doesn't know what to do.
His eyes are naturally drawn to the sketchbook and he nods. He knows the polite thing to do might be to sidestep this issue, but he also knows the polite route did approximately jackshit for him as a scared kid.
Softly, almost distracted: ] Like lancing a wound. Get the poison out. [ And then he shakes his head, just a quick twitch back and forth. Hadn't this kid said-- something had been in him? Will tastes bile and swallows hard. ] Do you want, um. Would you rather draw or walk?
Yeah. Poison. [will says it faintly, looking down at the sketchbook for a long moment, thinking about how much of his own poison he's leaked out all over the pages.
the question recenters him, though, and with a soft huff, he lifts his chin, looks down the street.] Walk. I -- walking is good. [Moving around gets poison out too, right?]
Okay. [ Will nods before he speaks, and he speaks before he moves, visibly convincing himself to snap out of his own visions of whatever this kid's gone through so they can go for that promised walk.
He leads the way, out of simple desire to communicate it's okay, just start walking. When he gets off the porch and his boots hit actual road, though, he looks both ways and then back at Will. ] Which way?
[Will crosses his arms over his chest, bouncing on his heels for a moment as he looks one way up, then down the street. Finally he points towards the woods.]
That way. [He sets off, having to take a couple steps for each of the older Will's long strides. They're quiet for a while, just the footsteps, the wind in the trees, the soft exhale of visible breath in the cold. After a few minutes, he ventures:] Why were you awake?
[ Quiet is something Will's always had a strained relationship with. On the one hand, it feels safe, or he desperately wants it to feel that way. It ought to feel safe, considering how unsafe being around too many people can feel.
But in reality, it's often just a space to let his own dark thoughts echo endlessly. This, right now, isn't a comfortable silence...but it's not a completely lonely one, either. It's somewhere in between discomfort and relief.
He supposes he should have expected that question, but it still takes him by surprise in the moment. Will glances over and then tucks his free hand into his jacket pocket. ] I'm usually awake. I've never been very good at sleeping.
[ Will doesn't want to pry, but he also is driven by a perpetual instinct to understand. He looks over again. ] Were you good at sleeping, before?
Aren't you tired? [pot, meet kettle. still, will has an expression that's genuinely, gently concerned about the man's sleep health. he's seen what long, repeated sleep deprivation can do to someone, after all -- his mom is an excellent example.
the question makes him shrug, vaguely.] Not really. I don't sleep very deeply, so if it was loud I'd wake up. [it's a very simple, almost innocent way of saying he hasn't exactly grown up in a peaceful home.]
Always. [ Said with a half-there laugh, like the very concept of not being tired is hilarious (but like he's still too tired for a full laugh about it). It's pulled up short when Will glances over and sees not childish lack of understanding, but— sympathy. Receiving that expression from a teenager feels oddly wrong even while it soothes something perpetually-wounded.
When the other keeps going, Will swallows and makes a concerted effort to offer just a little bit more direct looking at him than he's usually comfortable with. ]
...I'm sorry. [ It comes from genuine compassion. He looks unsettled by it, but he's also unconsciously slowing his gait, making it so the other doesn't have to work so hard to keep up. ] I've talked to— a few other people who were unhappy back home. It sounds like Deerington is better, for some of us.
[will's footsteps stumble a little at that, because that's...the first time anyone else has voiced aloud that deerington is better in some ways. usually it's all i hate this place and i need to get home.
hearing it aloud makes something in his tense shoulders loosen a little, and he lets out a soft, relieved sigh.] Yeah. Y-Yeah, that exactly, that...it's better. It's better in a lot of ways.
[ Will's expecting it to be a controversial opinion based on that fact as well — the vast majority of people trapped here are eager to leave. Hell, Will's own conversations her revolved around that when he first arrived. Now, though...
His surprise that the other agrees with him shows on his face, a soft consideration of why that might be.
Maybe it's why he shares his own reason, impulsive and quick even as it comes without eye contact: ] I'm not as— lonely here.
It's probably just bonding through shared trauma, [ he laughs, mostly a sudden change in expression more than a sound, ] but it's...working better than anything did back in my home world.
[will laughs a little too, an equally humorless sound, but he walks a little bit closer to the man, hands in his pockets.] Me neither.
I mean...I wasn't always lonely at home, I had my friends and all, and they're great, but... [he trails off, looks out at the trees.] It's different here.
[ Huh. That's actually not what— Will expected. Will's happier here because he was lonely back home. He's found something, here. Several somethings. The boy he's staring at right now is one of them, in fact.
So what was missing for this one? Or— what's missing now? ]
The— whatever was hurting you back home, you mean. The creature. It didn't follow you. [ That guess feels like it might be part of it, but...
Will can't help sense he's continuing to miss something, and it's unsettling to have a piece missing from his intuition. ]
...yeah. That part's good too. [an understatement, but one that will shivers at the mention of, feeling the empty space where the monster was like a hole in his chest.]
But it's...it's also...it's okay to be different, here. To be...not-normal. A freak.
[ The longer the other talks about this, the more certain Will becomes that there's an undercurrent here that he hasn't quite been caught by. He's slow to nod, does so just once.
But he also steps closer as they continue, taking the other's lead with that. ] In...some ways. [ He allows, because it doesn't feel like they're walking completely separate paths about this. Just that one's got different twists and turns than the other. ]
I think it sounds like we might be feeling relieved about different things that don't make us freaks here. [ It's said carefully, Will feeling out the boundaries of what this question might even look like before he asks it. ]
Well, they're probably different for each of us, so-- [ So the obvious thing to do might be...the somewhat childish option. It seems fitting. ] So I can...list something and then you can, if you want.
[ This is probably silly. Will's internally trying not to over-analyze the offer, but the truth of the matter is that it's probably latent paternal feelings kicking up again. ]
[perhaps it's a childish suggestion, but will is still a child. the simplicity of "i'll tell you if you tell me" appeals to the knotted-with-anxiety lump in his chest, and prompts his tense shoulders to loosen in relaxation.
so he nods, a relieved expression replacing the wary one.] Okay. Okay, that sounds good.
[ Will's nodding too. His own sense of anxiety, kicked up in response to the tension he can feel but can't quite explain, settles down to a low simmer. ]
I— see too much. Of other people. Back home, I either— freaked them out, or freaked myself out. Knowing things people don't want you to know doesn't really make them like you. And it's...distracting. [ It's more than just distracting. Will's breath fogs the air in front of himself while he hesitates. Kids see a lot of shit that adults don't give them credit for — this one doubly so, it seems. But Will's still trying to figure out what's too much and what's enough to share. ]
...It was scary. [ Is what he settles on, and he's stunned by how such a simple sentence makes him feel better to say. ] And it's still like that here, but people don't seem to...be as bothered.
...people get scared when they can't keep secrets. [will says it very softly, shoulders bowing in, head lowered.] And when people are scared...they're mean.
I didn't want to scare people. Or, I mean...I think they were scared of how different I was. Am. [he pauses, looks up at the man with silently beseeching eyes.] You know?
[ Once again, Will's impressed by how thoughtfully perceptive the other is. He's reminded — not wholly, but in small ways like this — of himself at his age. Will nods along to the observations until he's given a question. He nods. ] Yeah. I know. People are scared of what they can't understand. [ And sometimes what they can understand, but that's always seemed like more of a Will-problem. ]
Did you want to keep your secret? Because I can't— guess what it is, actually.
Or did you want to tell me? [ Will's tone is neutral; he doesn't want to sound like he's threatening or pleading, but if this is helpful— ]
[will looks a little bit surprised by the neutral way the man is approaching the question. most adults would've given up by this point and just flat-out demanded a straight answer. he's not used to people who take the time to let him talk in circles.
maybe it's sleep deprivation, or the wind in the trees or -- something else entirely. but will tucks his hands in his pockets and looks straight ahead, and he's about to talk about the monsters and the upside-down and the mind flayer but what comes out instead is:]
My dad used to call me stuff. When he lived with us. Really bad things, and I didn't think they were true for a really long time, and I told everyone they weren't true, but...but they might be true. And I don't know what to do.
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wontgraham) wrote2019-04-10 08:46 pm
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Be right back. [he scurries back inside, tiny and quiet and careful, and reappears minutes later with his backpack. he rummages around in it, amid the loose colored pencils and crayons and paper, and pulls out a large-ish sketchbook.]
Um. I made you something. As -- to say thanks for. Listening to me. [the sketchbook has some loose pages tucked inside it, and will pulls a couple of them free, holding them out hesitantly. on them, he'd done his best to draw the older will's dogs -- all seven of them -- based on the descriptions he'd gotten. the drawings are...actually surprisingly well-done for a thirteen-year-old kid. clearly he agonized over them, erasing and redrawing the lines until they fit his exacting self-standards.]
Here. If...if you want them.
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...but even with his lack of current suspicions, not much could have prepared Will for what the return trip was actually for. He blinks, stunned, and reaches out a cautious hand for the paper. He's staring at Will while he does it, until he's the only one holding the sheet and finally looks down at it in full. ]
These are— really nice. [ His tone says he's genuine about this praise. He's bad at guessing exact ages, but Will can't be more than what, a very short fourteen year old? Thirteen? ] I'd, uh. Yeah. [ He's nodding before he's organized his thoughts, touched and unsure the best way to express that.
He holds the papers like they're important, close to his chest and already uncertain of the best way not to wrinkle them. ] If you're— okay with giving them away, I'd. I'll keep them.
[ A beat. ] I guess now I do have pictures of them. [ Since he'd described them so much entirely because of the lack of photos to share. ]
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this is neither, but he's mildly embarrassed still, ears turning pink.] I'm okay, yeah. I made them for you. I've got lots of others. I-I mean, drawings. I draw a lot.
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[ He's rolling them, very carefully, not used to having valuable pieces of paper to keep track of. This way they won't wrinkle, like posters stored in a record shop. ] Does it help? [ He doesn't elaborate for a second, until he catches back up with himself and winces. ] With the— nightmares. Drawing about it, or drawing distractions.
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...sometimes. [will looks away, hugging the sketchbook to his chest, feeling the pictures inside with images of his nightmares burning like a brand.] Sometimes it helps to get them out of my head.
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His eyes are naturally drawn to the sketchbook and he nods. He knows the polite thing to do might be to sidestep this issue, but he also knows the polite route did approximately jackshit for him as a scared kid.
Softly, almost distracted: ] Like lancing a wound. Get the poison out. [ And then he shakes his head, just a quick twitch back and forth. Hadn't this kid said-- something had been in him? Will tastes bile and swallows hard. ] Do you want, um. Would you rather draw or walk?
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the question recenters him, though, and with a soft huff, he lifts his chin, looks down the street.] Walk. I -- walking is good. [Moving around gets poison out too, right?]
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He leads the way, out of simple desire to communicate it's okay, just start walking. When he gets off the porch and his boots hit actual road, though, he looks both ways and then back at Will. ] Which way?
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That way. [He sets off, having to take a couple steps for each of the older Will's long strides. They're quiet for a while, just the footsteps, the wind in the trees, the soft exhale of visible breath in the cold. After a few minutes, he ventures:] Why were you awake?
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But in reality, it's often just a space to let his own dark thoughts echo endlessly. This, right now, isn't a comfortable silence...but it's not a completely lonely one, either. It's somewhere in between discomfort and relief.
He supposes he should have expected that question, but it still takes him by surprise in the moment. Will glances over and then tucks his free hand into his jacket pocket. ] I'm usually awake. I've never been very good at sleeping.
[ Will doesn't want to pry, but he also is driven by a perpetual instinct to understand. He looks over again. ] Were you good at sleeping, before?
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the question makes him shrug, vaguely.] Not really. I don't sleep very deeply, so if it was loud I'd wake up. [it's a very simple, almost innocent way of saying he hasn't exactly grown up in a peaceful home.]
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When the other keeps going, Will swallows and makes a concerted effort to offer just a little bit more direct looking at him than he's usually comfortable with. ]
...I'm sorry. [ It comes from genuine compassion. He looks unsettled by it, but he's also unconsciously slowing his gait, making it so the other doesn't have to work so hard to keep up. ] I've talked to— a few other people who were unhappy back home. It sounds like Deerington is better, for some of us.
Aside from the monthly monsters.
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hearing it aloud makes something in his tense shoulders loosen a little, and he lets out a soft, relieved sigh.] Yeah. Y-Yeah, that exactly, that...it's better. It's better in a lot of ways.
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His surprise that the other agrees with him shows on his face, a soft consideration of why that might be.
Maybe it's why he shares his own reason, impulsive and quick even as it comes without eye contact: ] I'm not as— lonely here.
It's probably just bonding through shared trauma, [ he laughs, mostly a sudden change in expression more than a sound, ] but it's...working better than anything did back in my home world.
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I mean...I wasn't always lonely at home, I had my friends and all, and they're great, but... [he trails off, looks out at the trees.] It's different here.
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So what was missing for this one? Or— what's missing now? ]
The— whatever was hurting you back home, you mean. The creature. It didn't follow you. [ That guess feels like it might be part of it, but...
Will can't help sense he's continuing to miss something, and it's unsettling to have a piece missing from his intuition. ]
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But it's...it's also...it's okay to be different, here. To be...not-normal. A freak.
...y'know?
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But he also steps closer as they continue, taking the other's lead with that. ] In...some ways. [ He allows, because it doesn't feel like they're walking completely separate paths about this. Just that one's got different twists and turns than the other. ]
I think it sounds like we might be feeling relieved about different things that don't make us freaks here. [ It's said carefully, Will feeling out the boundaries of what this question might even look like before he asks it. ]
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What things? [it's a loaded question, because will has a loooong list of all the reasons he's a freak.]
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[ This is probably silly. Will's internally trying not to over-analyze the offer, but the truth of the matter is that it's probably latent paternal feelings kicking up again. ]
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so he nods, a relieved expression replacing the wary one.] Okay. Okay, that sounds good.
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I— see too much. Of other people. Back home, I either— freaked them out, or freaked myself out. Knowing things people don't want you to know doesn't really make them like you. And it's...distracting. [ It's more than just distracting. Will's breath fogs the air in front of himself while he hesitates. Kids see a lot of shit that adults don't give them credit for — this one doubly so, it seems. But Will's still trying to figure out what's too much and what's enough to share. ]
...It was scary. [ Is what he settles on, and he's stunned by how such a simple sentence makes him feel better to say. ] And it's still like that here, but people don't seem to...be as bothered.
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I didn't want to scare people. Or, I mean...I think they were scared of how different I was. Am. [he pauses, looks up at the man with silently beseeching eyes.] You know?
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Did you want to keep your secret? Because I can't— guess what it is, actually.
Or did you want to tell me? [ Will's tone is neutral; he doesn't want to sound like he's threatening or pleading, but if this is helpful— ]
cw: homophobia/child abuse
maybe it's sleep deprivation, or the wind in the trees or -- something else entirely. but will tucks his hands in his pockets and looks straight ahead, and he's about to talk about the monsters and the upside-down and the mind flayer but what comes out instead is:]
My dad used to call me stuff. When he lived with us. Really bad things, and I didn't think they were true for a really long time, and I told everyone they weren't true, but...but they might be true. And I don't know what to do.
cw: homophobia/child abuse
cw: homophobia/child abuse/homophobic slurs
cw: homophobia/child abuse/homophobic slurs, insanity/institutionalization mention
cw: homophobia/child abuse for like the whole thread tbh
cw: homophobia/child abuse
cw: homophobia/child abuse
cw: homophobia/child abuse
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